User avatar 1493395121 Prince-Zane

1 min.

My First day!

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My First day!

by User avatar 1493395121 Prince-Zane 1 min.

-Warning Cursing and Sexual themes, also if you want to request a story just pm me or comment! :D

Zane's POV:

I walked down Diagon Alley sighing and looking around for the shops to buy my pet I soon found and entered the store, "Welcome, what would you like?" The owner said and I responded, "A black or gray owl." She nodded and brought me a black owl that had a large gray spot around its right eye, "Thank you." I said, "How much will this cost?" She shook her head, "It's free, I know about you and your honored family, so you don't have to pay anything." I smiles and nodded, I left going to find the shop to buy my wand. When arriving in the store the cashier smiled at me, "Hello, Welcome, so.. your the newest Echo in Hogwarts." He handed me the wand my parents requested (Cedar wood with a Dragon heartstring core 12 ½" and Reasonably Supple flexibility) the wand accepted me and I bought it with my money. I then got on the train to Hogwarts and feel asleep.

As the train came to a stop I flew forward slightly and fell out of the seat waking up, I got up and a group of girls walked slowly past my room and giggled, I got up and sighed noticing my face was red and it was hot in there so I quickly got out and bumped into a girl who was very pretty, "Shit..." we both whispered, I got up and helped her pick up her stuff she blushed and so did I and we both smiled. I noticed she had black hair like me and I she had pretty aqua eyes. I helped her up and she quickly ran blushing, I got up and my owl flew onto my shoulder and it made a quiet squeak and looked at me, I quickly left with my stuff and got on the boats to go to Hogwarts. When we arrived at Hogwarts I walked in the mess hall and was followed by the other new students and we started to get sorted into our houses I was first and the sorting hat said, "Slytherin!" And the Slytherin students clapped and I sat at there table, next was the pretty girl and the sorting hat said...

  • #hogwarts

© Prince-Zane, 2017. All rights reserved.

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Prince-Zane

@Slytherin Knight
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What should be next?!

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Prince-Zane @Slytherin Knight
The data logs have contracted a virus...
Prince-Zane @Slytherin Knight

This comment was from an old story and now isn't in this topic.

Lament @Lamenting-Lesbian
So as I was reading through the first chapter, being the absolute kill-joy that I am, I instantly began nitpicking through your work. This is what I found: 1- There seems to be some grammatical errors that aren't really that bad but still irk the hell out of me. 2- The flow of a lot of the sentences seemed really off. There were a lot of parts that were in desperate need of punctuation, and some parts that were just plain confusing. Most of the sentences here were long and had way too many commas. I'd suggest considering other punctuation marks such as the simple period, the godly semi-colon and dashes to help your writing seem smoother. 3- Details, details, DETAILS! Most, if not, all of the events taking place in the chapter were bland and boring. You didn't give us details such as the manner of which Zane walked through Diagon Alley. Was he marvelling at the various gadgets and knick-knacks the place could offer? Was he cold? Was he nervous? Excited? All these details are going to help the audience identify the type of personality this character has. All I got from reading this chapter was that Zane is a rather quiet boy from a pure-blood family. 4- The sorting ceremony, the trip to Hogwarts and the whole scene in the "wand store" were a bit off-setting for me. First off, it's Ollivander's. Second off, you didn't even give us a name for the cashier! Third off, your parents can't just request a wand and have the wand accept you automatically. You will have to get a wand and start swishing it around until it "feels right". That's what should've happened. I'm assuming your character's last name is "Echo" since the unnamed cashier called him "the newest Echo in Hogwarts". According to the data I got from the books, it's most likely that they sort children alphabetically. Since his last name starts with "E", he should've been the 10th-15th person getting sorted! You barely even described the train ride to Hogwarts. You did say the he fell asleep, but how did he get to his compartment? Did someone greet him on his way there? Did some people recognise his lineage and start gossiping? Details please! 5- Since he just got sorted, we all know he's a first-year. So why is a first-year cursing? A first-year is typically 11-12 years old. When I was 11 I could barely listen to the word "crap" without feeling sinful. Unless, of course, this is a secretly fucc boi™ 11 year old, which is a trope I hate. 6- Back to the line "So you're the newest Echo in Hogwarts", doesn't that mean that Zane has siblings already there? If so, why aren't they even mentioned? You could've at least added them to the scene in the Hogwarts Express, or mentioned them in the crowd of students clapping when your character got sorted into Slytherin! 6- The girl, oh god, the girl. I appreciate you trying to introduce a love interest early on, so that their relationship could have time to develop, but seriously? Using the "Your stuff fell so I'll help you pick them up" cliché? I'm sure that you could think up of a way to introduce her better than that! 7- Usually, a writer would use the first chapter to introduce the plot, or the main problem of the story, but your first chapter doesn't seem to go anywhere. Sure, there's the cliffhanger of the pretty girl getting sorted, but how will that change the story? He doesn't even know her name, much less her personality. If she gets sorted to any of the other houses, why should he care? She could end up being an asshole or a toxic person. That's all for now. Aside from all these, this is a pretty promising start! I wish you the best in making this series. Good luck! :)
katherine @kat15

OH MY GOD GIVE HER A BREAK GOSH!!!!!!!

Sarah-Potter @aleshathedragon
I have a question, about who the girl should be, and I think you already know it.
Prince-Zane @Slytherin Knight

Maybe you know maybe you dont..

Sarah-Potter @aleshathedragon

wow misunderstood my question big time

Sarah-Potter @aleshathedragon

I was going to ask if Sarah could be the girl.

xX47_Marshadow_47Xx @xx47_marshadow_47xx
*thoughts when i saw this...* JUST DO IT! XD