Beautiful is a really special word for me. it means that I can and will do anything and everything I put my mind in. It might sound stupid but this word has so much more than just that one meaning that people are used to. Someone really special to me used that word to describe me, to call me. That was my nickname given to me by that special person that never no matter what never gave up on me. My low self esteem has always been a problem for me, my depression has always been in the way yet nobody has ever known I have to deal with this every day, not even that special person the dearest person in my life. I had actually been doing good, always trying my best always putting on a smile and trying to actually feel happy.
August 28, 2018
That day has never left my mind. That day was when my world got even worse, when I couldn't just pick my phone up and talk to my special person. I had nobody left and I could no longer tell him what was going on in my life. That was the day he had left me alone, he left with no possible way to return back. When I got the news I froze, didn't know what to do, couldn't figure out how to react. I know I have always taken time to figure out my feelings but this was taking all over my brain not knowing what to do I only told my mom what had happened and what she told me to do next was the worst thing that I had ever had to do in my life. I was told to let my aunt (lives in Spain) know that my oldest cousin had passed away.
After that day I have never been the same, I don't know if I will ever be the same again but honestly I will never want to be the same. I don't want to be close to somebody the same way I was with him I don't want my secrets with another person I hate to think of having to bring my walls for another person that is not him. Nobody in my family has ever been this close to me never known the dark side of me, the true side of me. I always put up a happy face and I am always in a good mood as far as my family and friends can see, not once they have notice what I truly feel inside. I hate not the feeling I get when I am in my bad days and I don't tell my family what's going on because I'm their rock, I have always been a really reserve person when it comes to my feelings so people just assume I am here to handle what life throws at me, that is really true but I also need to let go of all of it at some point. I also have to deal with anger issues as a consequence of not letting so since I hold it in for too long. ( yup I am really mess up! guess you can say in my craziness I am a strong person for not letting my depression take over and just end this whole thing but I just can't. I made a promise and it means too much to keep my word.)
Am I afraid or just don't care about life anymore? Can I keep living with my feelings bottled up like this? Will I ever find someone that brings me happiness like he did? Does anybody notices that I am faking it?
Fact about me: I always listen to music while writing
I was listening to Quitame la vida-Melodico while writing this.(It's in spanish)
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